I’m writing this a year later and in a slight hurry as I need to jump on a zoom in a bit– -but I’m determined to get this post up during C-section awareness month!
If you aren’t familiar with my birth background, I elect (yep. elect) to have my babies delivered through the sunroof. I have a condition called Tokophobia, diagnosed in 2018 by my OB, which made it a non-option to give birth vaginally. Those with tokophobia know… this goes way beyond a “fear of birth.” With tokophobia, its a true deep, dark, pathological fear and feeling of despair that kept me from getting out of bed– When I was pregnant with River, my first baby, I couldn’t stop crying for days on end until I was diagnosed and was offered the option of a c-section. As soon as that happened, the clouds parted and I was ok again. I could bond with my unborn baby and look to the future! I am a firm believer in women’s right to choose the way they give birth after of course being informed of all the risks associated with each option.
I also need to preface my *birth* story by saying that this final pregnancy was a doozyyy compared to my others. I felt achier, heavier, less comfy, and the pregnancy was flat out more complicated. I had partial placenta previa (super fun bleeding episodes! especially after a miscarriage), developed a large-ish ovarian cyst that was at risk of torsion, and also had an uncomfortable hernia over my belly button. Throughout my entire pregnancy, I felt SO MUCH more nervous about my impending c-section. With my other 2, I was barely nervous at all, just excited to meet my baby, and when the surgery happened it was complication-free. This time, I felt extremely anxious, which I chalked up to “theres more at stake when you have 2 other kids counting on you to be ok.”
Surgery day came, and just as we had with our previous deliveries, we got there early, excited and in “slumber party” mode. We came prepared with our enormous duffle bag of pillows, blankets, comfy jammies, HDMI cord to hook up to our tv so we could start binge watching a new show during our 3 day hospital stay, snacks… we were ready! Also as we had done before, we shot the shit with the nurses, anesthesiologist, and techs.. we brought them all baskets of goodies to thank them and to, lets be real, to endear ourselves to them so they’d maybe take extra good care of us! They wheeled me into the OR and even though I was ready, I still had a pit in my stomach. My epidural was easy-peezy but of course didn’t feel great… no big deal. Then, as we turned on our favorite tunes (we always come prepared with a themed playlist… this theme was classic rock, as we knew our baby’s name would be Jagger) and surgery began…. The jolly vibe in the OR almost immediately changed.
I couldn’t feel anything, as usual. But everyone got quiet. Some of the nurses (?? not sure exactly what their role was. They seemed to be assisting in the surgery) started whispering to each other and subtly gesturing. They lowered my music a bit. Matt looked white as a ghost– he felt that something was off, too. We didn’t even verbally acknowledge it– we both just knew. I also, in the reflection of the metal “arm” of the light above me, could see A LOT of “red” (blood). Was that normal, I didn’t know. But I started to silently cry. Matt put his forehead on my cheek and started chatting with me about how much fun it was going to be to meet Jagger, and what an amazing time we were going to have over the next few days at Hotel Baylor (what we call our hospital stays) and such… I appreciated the distraction, but I just kept thinking (and saying to him) “I’ve got to get home to my kids, babe. Something is wrong. Why is this taking so long??” (Our past surgeries felt very “in and out”– this was obviously dragging on and on in comparison.
Matt tried to keep his tone steady as he asked “is everything alright up there?” “We are workin’ on it” answered my doctor in a maybe slightly strained voice. A nurse whom I had particularly bonded with pre-op (she was really funny and kind of whacky, I loved her) leaned down from behind where I was laying, and whispered to us “honey you got a big ol’ hole in your uterus.” I said “WAIT. I HAVE A UTERINE RUPTURE?” She said “yep ya sure do. But we are going to get you through this.” I stopped crying and told Matt that he needed to be ok for the boys no matter what and that I loved him so much, he was the best thing that ever happened to me. His eyes were a little frantic and full of tears but he just replied “my love, you’re going to be just fine. I feel it.”
It is all a bit of blur to me now, but the main thing I remember was just how LONG it was taking. And I started to feel things I had never felt before… for instance, there was a sensation of “plucking guitar strings” in my lower abdomen. I don’t play guitar but that is the only way I can describe it. Not pain, but just a very distinct plucking of strings. (It turns out, my bladder had partially and miraculously fused to the hole in my uterus, blocking the baby!! I have no idea how long I was walking around with a rupture, but my body did this incredible, rare thing which saved the baby and me…. the “plucking” I was feeling was my doctor surgically, little by little, separating my bladder from my uterus.
Again, this is a total blur, but there was a ton of tugging, tugging, pressure, tugging…. then a BIG CRY. As soon as I heard the big cry, I started sobbing. “he’s ok?!” I asked. “He’s ok and he’s a big boy!! Congratulations, mama” my doctor said. Matt asked if he could leave me fora bit to go look at the baby which they whisked him away to examine him, and I said “of course.” He came back about a minute later with Jagger, who was then laid on my chest.
Let me tell you… it was one of the most surreal moments of my life. I have never felt such a solid, certain feeling that I already knew someone before. I know it sounds totally woo woo, but Jagger and I locked eyes and he immediately started suckling, and it was as if I had known him my entire life. I never had that sensation before, and it was the most bizarre yet calming and reassuring feeling I could have had in that moment after a traumatic delivery.
Sewing me up took FOREVER. Then we went to recovery room to snuggle the baby and breastfeed and debrief. Matt was glued to me. He has never been so attached– he really felt like he almost lost me. We hung out there for awhile and then went up to our hospital room where we’d spend the next few days. I was so thankful that for the first time ever, we told our parents that we didn’t want visitors in the hospital. I can’t even explain why we set that boundary this time when we never had before– I think it was because of my inexplicably elevated feelings of anxiety leading up to my surgery. But it was so wonderful to just use that time to emotionally and physically heal, the 3 of us. Yaya was staying with the boys overnight at our house during our hospital stay, and she did bring them on day 2 for about an hour to come see us and meet Jagger. (I had them all wearing matching outfits to start things off like they were a team. It as pretty cute. I also had little “presents from the baby” waiting for them when they arrived to start things off on a joyful foot.)
I got up and started walking the day of surgery, even though it sucked, which I think really helped my recovery. I wouldn’t say that this recovery as far as pain was much harder than my other c-sections, surprisingly. However, we ended up staying in the hospital a couple of extra days (FYI your insurance will usually cover up to 90 hours in the hospital) because, due to my blood loss, my blood pressure was super super low. I almost had to have a transfusion. But it all ended up ok, obviously!
Do I regret having 3 c-sections? I don’t. This is the way I needed to have my babies, and one of the births was scary. Birth is wild and is unpredictable, and I am so grateful that we are all on the other side now. I’ve been rebuilding my core with a personal trainer and going to a pelvic floor specialist– I am OBSESSED with our baby– Life is good. For the record, though– this kitchen is closed! Matt has gotten a vasectomy for my protection (I would not survive another pregnancy) and we plan to get his sperm count confirmed 0 with a checkup every year.
Any questions? I am an open book! xx